[to Brandon as she removes her panties] Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?

That's the one thing that trumps religion...capitalism.

[to Olive] You've made your bed...I just hope for your sake, you've cleaned the sheets.

Jesus tells us to love everyone, even the whores and the homosexuals. But it's so hard, it's so hard because they keep doing it, over and over again.

Principal Gibbons: This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.

Mrs. Griffith: I'm the guidance counselor. I should know all the students, especially the ones that dress like prostitutes.

[to Marianne] We've had nine classes together since Kindergarten...ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't because you called it science fiction and refused to go.

The rumor-filled totally FALSE account of HOW I RUINED my flawless reputation.

A Comedy about a Good Girl, a Small Favor and a Big Rumor.

Let's not and say we did.