You know what's the difference between a wife and a job? After fifteen years, a job still sucks.

[After going through a painful attempt to wax his leg hair] Women are insane. Who would do that more than once? ...Why would they do the other leg?

You know that whole deal about "penis envy"? Not true. No. Half of women don't even like it. You know who has penis envy? We do. That's why we cheat and we lie, because we're all obsessed with our own equipment!

[Drunkedly singing along with the song Bitch ] I'm a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a brother, it's confusing, as I volumize my hair, and I am not aware...

Why do guys like to do it in front of a mirror? Because "objects appear larger than they actually are".

You talk to me like a woman, you think like a woman. Nick, come on, admit it. You're totally and completely gay!

[Imitating Sean Connery from The Hunt for Red October ] "Adver-sary?" Surely, you mean "adversary", old boy?

There's way too much estrogen on TV these days.

What kind of knight in shining armor would I be if the man I love needs rescuing and I just let him walk out my door?

My dad? He's always been...like an uncle to me. Yeah, Uncle Dad.