Grande Problema

Make her stop! God in heaven, make her stop! SHE WANTS MY SOUL!!!

Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes.

I need a missile.

[to his boss] Morning, douchebag.

[After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn.

Was that a goat?!

[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] Moron #2 just got Moron #1 all wet.

[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef.

[Trapped on a delayed plane with idiotic sports fans after a surreal day in Miami] I really feel like killing somebody.

[Whilst pointing a gun at three thugs who walk towards him while he is speaking to his employer on the phone] Not right now, okay?

Leonard: If we don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how.

Snake: [to the Russians] If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head.

Snake: [to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead.

Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.

I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.

[v.o.] What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.

[v.o.] We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning.

[v.o.] I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear [sic] weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it.

Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... jumped on me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny.

[v.o.] Arthur Herk: one of the few Floridians who was not confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.