Johnny English

[After climbing into a castle via the sewage system] Oh, pull yourself together, it's only a little bit of poo!

[Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor] Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?

A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, a finely tuned ear and a slightly bigger brain than is strictly necessary.

You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun. [English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet]

The word 'mistake' sir is not one that appears in my dictionary.

Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.

[after accidentally being crowned king; points to Sauvage after a pause] Arrest that man... and lock him away! [the crowd cheers as four guards take Sauvage away]

I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.

Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool.

[furious because his coronation has been interrupted by English, pulls a gun on crowd] Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that? My fragrant French Ass it can!